I want to write but it's not coming. I suppose I'm like that for almost everything I "want" to do. It sucks when you know somethings wrong or you need to change yet for some reason there's no motivation or ability to continue on more than once, similar to this diary. And it's not that I don't care about the situation, that's not it at all. I feel it has more to do with self-discipline. How can you learn that?

The worst is when I let Katherine down, and unfortunately that happens all too often. She does so much for me and I continue to screw up, well with small things here and there. Am I afraid? If so of what, trying something new? fear of failing? I don't know why, whenever I try something new I tend to reject it but still practice and forge ahead. Then all of the sudden I realize I'm doing it well and somewhat enjoy it. For instance, work related activities. I want to learn how to work the different instruments and learn new techniques but am hesitant to start. Even with this GRE testing and grad school applications, I don't want to apply for fear of rejection.

"How does this relate to your relationship with Katherine?" you may ask. Well, I'm not completely sure either. I feel I'm getting too comfortable in where we are. When in fact I should wanting more and striving for more. A lot of classmates are either engaged or married so we talk about that and what comes with it: kids, money, even the type of house and what color the kitchen will be. Funny thing is, I love all that stuff especially since I know it'll be with her but I hold myself back from being the person I want to be for her and for myself.