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Her name's Elizabeth and I have a test tomorrow
January 29, 2004 - 11:01 pm

well I meant to update more recently. but you know how that goes. not sure where I left off or where I want to begin. life's really beginning to pick up for me.. well pick up as in the pace. not neccessarily as in mood.

just the other day actually I was totatlly bummed. Mon we had a bad ice storm so classes were cancelled and a lot of people lost power. daniel being one of those. so he and ashby came over and chilled out which was cool. I hope I didn't seem too distant I just had my mind somewhere else. I slept till 2pm then took a nap about an hour later. samething on Tues since my classes were cancelled. but what I think it was was that I just got real nervous and scared about my classes and about my money situation. I'm finally working towards a major now which feels good but at the sametime I feel a lot of pressure to do well and high expectations from others. I know I can do the work but I'm not sure why I'm not doing it to my full potential. I think one reason could be was that I did that in high school and I did very well. but at the sametime I didn't have many close friends or go out much so I had time to do that. and now I have those friends and the chances to go out, which has definitely been interferring with schoolwork. I guess I feel if I don't go and hang out with them most if not all the time I'll lose them. I suppose setting some priorities are in order.

the money is totatly different yet sort of related. I usually have to spend money when I go out but also I have to save money for bills and what not. now I have enough for the bills but if I mention to my parents they'll flip and tell me not to go out. and I thought I had cut back, but I guess not enough. at work I'm only scheduled on the weekends and at first I hated it because I wouldn't be able to go out. but now I realize it may be good for me. there's plenty of time during the week if I need to go out. plus my classes are getting much more demanding. it's weird because I'm so nervous yet anxious at the sametime for all these new classes I'll be taking. like organic chem I and II. physical chem. physics II. the corresponding labs. I just have to set aside time for them and know when to study.

it scares me though. when I was sleeping a lot these past few days it's not like I was tired. I just wanted to sleep than do anything else. it's difficult to work through a day or problem when you just want to know the final outcome. I want to know what my life will be like in 5.. 10.. or even 25 years. will I be married? will I have a decent job, a job I love? if I'm married will I be happily married and forever love my wife? do I have kids? if so, how many? where will I live? is it a house or an apt? do people respect me? am I loved? I shouldn't be so fixed on the outcomes as I should on the steps to get the outcomes I want.

hang in there. I'm feeling it. so I was talking with Brian, my middle brother, the other nite on IM. and I asked him about our parents, just as I asked Doug, my oldest brother. I asked if things have changed or are they the same it's just that now I'm out of the house and have a different perspective on things? I found out that for the most part things haven't changed that much at all, just my view on the situation. that and Brian's quite vocal about what he thinks about it, where as Doug was more unsure since he left for the Navy right out of high school and has less contact with the parents being farther away. interesting details that I was also previously unaware of about my father/parents that adds to us wanting to do something. now don't think they're in anyway about to separate at all. just help to open up and alieve somethings that just aren't tolerable anymore.

then there's my, lack for a better word, love life. Julieta wants us to date right now despite everything. but yet at the sametime unsure about it. I would rather wait. mostly because I am unsure how I feel about the situation and I don't know if I want to date anybody right now or not. I mean it's not like I have prospects beating down my door or anything but it's all a matter of how things play out. I suppose for me it just has to feel right. plus I've only had 2 real girlfriends so dating someone else besides 1 of the 2 doesn't sound bad. I can't believe she remembered me after all these years, maybe 3 years I guess. EDIT: not Julieta, it's an old friend. but we met once at a church function I was mostly in charge of at the church she attended. senior year in high school I guess it was. well she recognized me as I was sitting outside our building .. hungover unfortunately .. and it just blew my mind. and she lives here in our building too. but we only see each other in passing. when we talk she seems genuinely interested. very beautiful. more of what I would consider my "type" but previous relationships have shown that it doesn't matter. or does it? but anyways. I just want to ask her to lunch one day if there's ever enough time in passing. but I guess I should just be a man about it and just put the suggestion out there. I read an article the other day about the age old question of 'why do nice guys finish last?' and you know what I got out of it. it's all about perspective. it stated quite nicely that the apparent jackass' just have more confidence and are more assertive in talking to women. which seems to be true. I'm quite shy myself but have come along way since those old school days. the nice guy only thinks he's a jackass because he got the girl first. now whether or not she'll be treated well later on does determine the guys status of jackass or not. so now, I try to say 'hey' or whatever to more people. got to start somewhere. well not really an article per se but one man's opinion that I thought very well stated.

one more thing about the sleeping. I slept through, on purpose, my 8am this morning. one reason, I noticed I had used one of my pillows during the night so I thought it might be jealous so I rested for A BIT on it. plus the my hyjinks regarding my alarm clock continued as well. my subconcious thinks it can fool me. it usually does. oh and I had a weird dream the other day during a nap .. that lasted for 2.5 hrs, yea. I forgot what happened in the beginning but by the end I was hiding from a monster under a car. then it was right by me and the other person under the car with me. after killing some other monster near us it noticed we were under there then came after me. in a choking type manner. the girl under the car ran away while I was asking "umm alittle help here" but the odd thing was that I would wake up hit snooze and go back to sleep because I wanted to find out what was going to happen. and you know what. my dream would pick up where it left off before the alarm went off. but after it started to choke me I couldn't take it anymore and had to get up. it started to remind me of a reoccurring nightmare I would have when I was younger. plus I had class.

man, I swear this is the longest entry by me ever. and hopefully the longest I'll ever do. for your reading sake and my writing sake. but I feel so much better actually. I covered a lot of ground and got a lot out. not all of it just a lot.

man shouldn't have to live on dreams alone.

yesterday - tomorrow